Becoming Mother, Again

Becoming a mother for a second time has definitely been an adventure so far. I’d love to tell you that I’m enjoying every single second of it and have been since I found out I had become pregnant, but I can’t honestly do that. I can’t tell you that I was jumping for joy and immediately running out to buy little clothes and shouting out to the world that I would be birthing another blessing. What I can tell you is the truth.

The truth is that even though we were kind of trying to get pregnant again, I wasn’t ready.

The truth is that when that stick came back up with two pink lines on it, I cried.

The truth is that I told my two best friends about my pregnancy before I told my husband.

The truth is that I was scared.

After finding out I was pregnant, even though there are nearly 4 years between our two children, I hugged my SweetPea so tightly that I’m sure she thought I was about to break her. I was terrified that my love for her would lessen or that I wouldn’t have love for the baby that I was now carrying in my belly. I cried on her curly head and was apologizing to her in my mind.

Fast-forward a few months when we found out we were to have a baby boy. My husband was ecstatic. I ugly-cried in the car all the way to the baby store to pick out some clothes. I was so sure we would be having another girl – I had felt it in my soul that I was meant to mother little girls and there was no room for a little boy. I somehow felt betrayed. I was scared.

Fast-forward again and I was finally excited to bring a boy into our world, but I was still terrified of what that would mean for my relationship with my daughter. Would it mean that we wouldn’t be as close? Would she no longer reach for my hand during breakfast or while we watched a movie? Would she be happy with a brother or would she be upset that she was not the only child anymore?

And then it happened. I delivered a teeny tiny baby boy 4 weeks early and he is perfect. SweetPea, who was previously skeptical of having a brother, walked into the hospital room and immediately made a bee-line for her new brother, took his hand in hers and whispered, “Oh, I just love him.” Just like that. An instant love. It was so easy for her, so natural.

The difference between a first and second pregnancy, for me at least, was vast. It’s difficult to come to terms with being overjoyed the first time around and terrified the second. I had read articles telling me that this is completely normal and that I would fall in love the second I held that baby in my arms, but I didn’t believe them. The emotions that I had been dealing with were two extremes and there was no way that things could work themselves out, I was sure of it. Alas, those articles were right. I did fall instantly in love and everything is fine. My relationship with my daughter is stronger than ever and I love our little Bud to no end.

This is far from the end of this story – but I’m going to save what happens during postpartum for another day. Just know this – you are not alone in your feelings, mama. Even though you may not think it, you are so capable of unimaginable love. If you are currently pregnant with your second (or third, or fourth…) child you may have felt these things too. If you just gave birth, you may know what I’m talking about. If you are a mother to adults you may remember this time like it was yesterday. Or you may not. You may have embraced every second of pregnancy and postpartum with a sure heart. All of it is ok. All of it is normal.

All of it is motherhood.

What were you feeling when you found out you were pregnant? What helped you work through all of your emotions? Share in the comments!

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